Obama Is Going To Get Right On This Top Lindsay Lohan's unofficial drunk mess protégé, Amanda Bynes, was charged today with DUI for allegedly sideswiping a cop car and driving away while the sweet nectar ran through her veins. Amanda refused to take a blood test or a breathalyzer, and she later claimed she never drinks. So we should just assume she's a natural wreck. Amanda further proved that point today by asking President Obama to put on his Captain Save A Ho hat and help her out.
If Amanda was joking, then she should start a career in comedy writing, because ho knows how to bring on the laughs. If Amanda wasn't joking, then she was definitely lying through her Tweet about the "I don't drink" thing, because her brain was obviously under the influence of booze, the bad shit and everything in her medicine cabinet when she wrote that shit.
And I know Obama has better things to do than deal with this trick, so I'll respond so he doesn't have to:
Hey @AmandaBynes Fuck off. The end. - bo
via People
Who Made The Hos Salivate More? Top The men all paused when Seth Meyers walked into the room at last night's CFDA Awards in NYC wearing the "slutty, preppy pilgrim in mourning" look Marc Jacobs wore to the Met Ball last month. We've got a good old-fashioned fashion off! Bitches, take your corners and get ready to strut to the death.
Marc Jacobs: Marc gets a grand total of zero points, because even if he's giving sass, he ruined the whole look with those blinding white boxers. Unless he's wearing piss-catching panties underneath those boxers, imagine all the shaking he had to do at the urinal to keep his peen from leaking on those shorts. VPS (visible piss stains) bring out the Kardashians and nobody wants that.
Seth Meyers: Seth gets all the points, because he did this as a joke and even if he didn't do it as a joke, he has the nipples to pull it off.
So Seth Meyers wins! Now can we drop that entire tragic ensemble into Anna Wintour's witch cauldron so we don't have to ever see it again?
Evening Crumbs Top I really hope Lifetime markets the soon-to-be cinematic train wreck Liz & Dick as a madcap comedy. And I don't know that much about Liz & Dick, but I'm pretty sure they didn't suffer from chronic constipation. - The Superficial
Sharpen your shank sharper: Your imaginary boyfriend is calling THAT BITCH his "girlfriend" - Lainey Gossip
Kate Winslet emoting "strung out after a 6-day bender" glamour on Vanity Fair Italia - Celebitchy
Miley Cyrus walking down the street and she's either thinking about dick cake, weed or smoking weed out of a dick cake - Hollywood Tuna
Scary Spice's torso is insane - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
I have a feeling this paperized Prometheus might be better than the real thing - Towleroad
Lady in the background wearing the fanny pack > Rosie Huntington-Whateverly - Popoholic
When the lady behind a Teen Mom Mess says everything that needs to be said with her face - ICYDK
Duchess Kate looks like a lace cookie - Popsugar
Lady CaCa and Taylor Kinney are bumping b-holes again - Just Jared
Lisa Rinna plumps her nipple knobs up with collagen too, right? - Celebslam
I'd be so mad if I was having breakfast fruit and some nosy ass giraffe tried to get him some - The Berry
Eva Amurri forgot to wear her wavy weave, obviously - Moe Jackson
The only pussy Joe Jonas knows to handle - SOW
Shakira might be knocked up - I'm Not Obsessed
RPattz doesn't want muscles - Hollywood Rag
That's not a tattoo, that's a syphilis rash - Cityrag
The CAPTION THIS Contest For May 5th! Top (Thanks, Rachel!)
Open Post: Hosted By Lulu The Pole Dancer Top After popping out two kids, Lulu the Body ached to tame the pole with her thighs again and spent a long time training to show off her "throw that fupa up in the air" skills on America's Got Talent. Lulu got her chance last night and no, she won't be polishing the pole with her coochie in front of Howard Stern anymore. Lulu got the three Xes of death. I would've Xed Lulu too for two very important reasons:
1) DEM FEETS. How are you going to come on stage looking like you've been river dancing on charcoal dust in a barbecue pit?
2) How are you going to scissor the pole without wearing a pair of exquisite lucite heels?!
The second one is the most offensive and Lulu should know better. If pole dancing was an Olympic sport, coming to the mat without the heels of the angels on your feet would get you an automatic DQ.
via Gossip Cop
Kristen Stewart Doesn't Care About You Voracious, Starving Shit Eaters Top Well, there goes Kristen Stewart's invitation to the Scat Queen Ball.
Kristen Stewart talked to Vanity Fair about her problems and it wouldn't be a Kristen Stewart interview if a thin stream of ridiculousness didn't fly out of her mouth at least once. Somehow the subject of Kristen sometimes looking like a window-licking spoiled toddler high on paint fumes came up. Kristen said that she's a "weirdo" and a "creative Valley Girl who smokes pot" and if she put on a manufactured smile while posing on the red carpet, whores would call her a fake. Yeah, we've got a major badass right here.
"I have been criticized a lot for not looking perfect in every photograph. I get some serious shit about it. I'm not embarrassed about it. I'm proud of it. If I took perfect pictures all the time, the people standing in the room with me, or on the carpet, would think, What an actress! What a faker! That thought embarrasses me so much that I look like shit in half my photos, and I don't give a fuck. What matters to me is that the people in the room leave and say, 'She was cool. She had a good time. She was honest.' I don't care about the voracious, starving shit eaters who want to turn truth into shit. Not that you can say that in Vanity Fair!"
After seeing Twatlight, Mouth Breather White, Welcome to the Rileys and The Runaways, I can say with complete confidence that Kristen Stewart doesn't ever have to worry about bitches accusing her of being an actress. You can smoke that worry away, KStew.
And is she really using "shit eater" as an insult when she posed with an adorable culo licker for the cover?
"What's wrong with being a shit eater?" - that dog
Scout Willis Arrested For Underage Boozing Top Scout Willis, the middle spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, learned the hard way that the next time she wants a quick afternoon buzz, she should probably get into her mom's stash of whip-its and huff at home. Because while drinking a "Pakistani beer" (that is a highly important fact for this highly important story, obviously) in Manhattan's Union Square last night, a cop came up to her and asked for her ID. 20-year-old Scout gets the Dumb Bitch of the Day tag, because instead of chin-ing the officer in the nose before disappearing into the sewers, she handed over a fake ID belonging to someone named Katharine Kelly. It's sad that this Ore-Rida brand ho's parents never taught her to only use a fake ID to get into bars, buy cigarettes and to get a job in the porn industry. Don't give that shit to a cop!
The NYDN says that after Scout, who's a student Brown University, gave the cop a fake ID, he realized it wasn't her (I wonder why?) and questioned her ass. Scout then confessed to being 20-year-old Scout Willis and brought her real California ID out. The cop immediately arrested her ass and took her in. Scout was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, and released a couple of hours later without bail. She'll have to answer to the charges in court on July 31st.
Arresting a 20-year-old sipping on a beer is stupid and a waste of time, and that cop's theme song is obviously "Cold As Ice." If he had a heart, he would've gone into the nearest liquor store, bought a jumbo size bottle of the strongest shit in there and handed it over to Scout, because if anybody needs a serious drink it's one of Bruce and Demi's daughters. That being said, the next time Scout tries to use a fake ID, she should make sure it belongs to a Moai.
(Picture via Pacific Coast News)
Speaking Of The Munsters.... Top While I patiently waiting for an all-lemur production of The Munsters starring Mary-Kate Olsen as Lily, Bryan Fuller (the creator of Pushing Daisies and Wonderfalls) and Bryan Singer (the director of The Usual Suspects and the first X-Men movies) are working on a complete reboot of The Munsters for NBC called Mockingbird Lane. They have already cast Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Mason Cook as Eddie, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and now they've found their Herman Munster in Jerry O'Connell. This is where you put your obligatory "Khloe Kardashian was ROBBED" jokes.
Vulture read the pilot script and they say it's really nothing like the original. The Double Bryans have taken The Munsters, removed its laugh track, lengthened it to an hour and injected it with a whole lot of silicone-infused drama. Bryan Fuller described their version as The Real Housewives of Transylvania and an American Horror Story for the entire family. NBC is calling it a "visually spectacular one hour drama." So I guess that means we'll see Eddie Izzard in a rubber suit and Lily Munster performing her single Tardy for the Funeral at Transylvania Gay Pride.
I will never forgive Bryan Singer for butchering the greatest show in the history of shows, Footballers Wives, by trying to do an American version of it. Bryan can right this wrong by casting Footballers Wives' Tanya Turner as Lily Munster. Yeah, Tanya Turner as Lily Munster is bizarre, but so far everything about Mockingbird Lane sounds bizarre, so they might as well take the bizarreness all the way. I mean, don't you want to see Lily and Marilyn get into it like this:
UPDATE: Deadline says Lorena from True Blood might play Lily.
Breaking: The Olsens Don't Totally Look Like Death Demons Top The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen's smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren't making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don't totally look like they're chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I'm typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don't trust those bitches even if they look human now.
Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, "sophistimicated") look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla's mouth and took over her body. I shouldn't give that Trollsen any ideas.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins' daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.
Hail To The Queen: Grace Jones Hula Hooping At The Diamond Jubilee Concert Top Unless Prince Hot Ginge takes off his fancy uniform, jumps on top of a horse riding in the procession to Buckingham Palace and hula hoops a cock ring of fire with his peen, Grace Jones' performance at the concert yesterday is the only highlight of the Diamond Jubilee. While dressed like a peacock from Mars, Grace Jones performed "Slave to the Rhythm" while keeping a hula hoop up with her hip shimmies. Cancel Britain's, America's and (insert the name of every country followed by a "'s" here) Got Talents, because Grace Jones has won all of them.
Apparently, Grace has done this before, but this is the first time I've seen it. I'm sure it was The Queen's first time too, which is why I'm disappointed that she didn't run up to the foot of the stage to throw all her crown jewels at Grace. Grace earned 'em!
Try to copy+paste those moves, Lady Caca.
